Saturday, 15 April 2006

North Bank Times 1913 Edition

Home Rule
West Ham manager Syd King has hit out at Woolwich Arsenal’s selection policy in an interview in the London Illustrated News. Especially galling for the proud Englishman has been Arsenal's almost total lack of local talent. The Irons' manager told the press: "Woolwich Arsenal have a huge catchment area in South East London and the Medway area, yet only number two Invictans in their squad of 13. Not only has their manager seen fit to include several northerners, but I note that he has also chosen several foreigners as well. This is just not cricket."
Master Alfred Garnett of the Junior Irons and a leading Young Conservative agreed with his manager: "Too bloody right too. Send the Jocks and Taffs back home and keep English football for the English. You see I don't trust these men of Kent, they live too bloody close to the Frogs if you ask me."

Relocation Relocation Relocation
North London giants Clapton Orient have complained to the Football League over Woolwich Arsenal's planned relocation to North London. "This could seriously affect the future of this great club. We have spent years building up the good name of professional football in this area, and we're not prepared to see our hard work go to waste." We asked the Orient Chairman whether they and Tottenham Hotspur were prepared to take direct action to prevent Arsenal moving into their territory and we received a blunt reply: "Who the f*ck are Tottenham Hotspur?"

Clocking Off
Woolwich Arsenal officials have sought to quell rumours that the famous sundial from the Sundial End at the Manor Ground in Plumstead has been thrown in a skip after a report appeared in an Arsenal fans' periodical 'One Nil Down, One All Draw'. "It is not true," a flustered Sir Henry Norris told us, "the dial will be installed and ready when the new ground opens in January." Fans are sceptical. One told us: "I've heard a rumour that they are planning to introduce new crowd control technology at the new ground such as fences, so it wouldn't surprise me it they put in one of those new fangled clocks without any consultation as well."

Lewd-o
The young England player Wayne Rooney has been caught peering at the ankles of 52 year old Patricia Morrey by journalists from the Pall Mall Gazette. The scandal threatens to end the career of the popular pin-up boy as he struggles to hold on to hit lucrative stipend promoting British cauliflower. Mr Rooney's fiancée Colleen McLoughlin has however vowed to stand by the UK's first Four Pound Five Shilling player for the sake of her house in the country.

You’re Going Down With the Titanic
Tottenham Hotspur and Athletic Club fans were celebrating the relegation of their South London rival's Arsenal. Spurs Manager Peter McWilliam told us: "What with their disastrous season and the cost of financing their new stadium, if we see them back in the top division then I'll be a Dutchman."

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